


Garreg Mach Monastery Email Server

by Draknir



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Gen, Humor, Random & Short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2020-10-10 21:11:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20534666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draknir/pseuds/Draknir
Summary: A collection of emails between the students, faculty, and important figures of the Garreg Mach Monastery.





	1. New Email Server

From: “Seteth” seteth@churchofseiros.com  
To: everyone@garregmach.edu, everyone@churchofseiros.com  
Subject: Garreg Mach Monastery Email Server

Greetings everyone,

I have been informed that the email server for Garreg Mach Monatery is now online. This server is to be used for communication between students and faculty. This email is to serve as a test as to the status of the email addresses that were created for each student and faculty member. Please let me know if you did not receive this message so I may ascertain why that is.

Seteth

From: “Seteth” seteth@churchofseiros.com  
To: everyone@garregmach.edu, everyoen@churchofseiros.com  
Subject: Garreg Mach Monastery Email Server Update

Greetings everyone,

I have yet to receive word that anyone has not received my previous email. I can only hope that means you have all received my previous communication. You have my thanks for your cooperation.

Seteth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how this is going to be posted. This was a random idea I had, but each "chapter" or set of emails will have a common thread.


	2. Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Server

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude makes a Minecraft server for the student body.

From: “Claude von Riegan” criegan@garregmach.edu  
To: ehresevelg@garregmach.edu, hvestra@garregmach.edu, faegir@garregmach.edu, lhevring@garregmach.edu, cbergliez@garregmach.edu, darnault@garregmach.edu, pmacneary@garregmach.edu, bvarley@garregmach.edu, dblaiddyd@garregmach.edu, dmolinaro@garregmach.edu, ffraldarius@garregmach.edu, aubert@garregmach.edu, sgautier@garregmach.edu, igalatea@garregmach.edu, adominic@garregmach.edu, mmartritz@garregmach.edu, hgoneril@garregmach.edu, medmund@garregmach.edu, rkirsten@garregmach.edu, ivictor@garregmach.edu, lordelia@garregmach.edu, lpinelli@garregmach.edu  
Subject: Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Server

Greetings everyone (Can you believe Seteth was that formal?)

Anyway, I set up a Minecraft server and wanted to let everyone know. The domain is “fearthedeer.com” and we can mess around in it as much as we want.

Don’t tell Lorenz though. He’d just bring us down.

Claude

From: “Claude von Riegan” criegan@garregmach.edu  
To: flayn@garregmach.edu  
Subject: GMMMS

Hey, Flayn. I heard your brother lets you play Minecraft. We’ve got our own Garreg Mach Monastery Minecraft Server so why don’t you join us? The domain is “fearthedeer.com” and just about everyone is on there.

Claude

From: “Byleth Eisner” byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
To: ehresvelg@garregmach.edu  
Subject: Flayn

Edelgard,

I have been told by Seteth to make you stop putting TNT in Flayn’s house on the Minecraft server that Claude set up. Evidently, and I’m quoting Seteth on this one, “it’s been half an hour since, and Flayn hasn’t stopped screaming.”

As your professor, what you do in you free time is not my concern. However, I can’t ignore a request from Seteth like this. You need to stop blowing up Flayn’s Minecraft house and apologize to her. Maybe give her a few fish or something.

Professor Byleth

(P.S Between us, how big was the explosion? Did you fill her house entirely with TNT? Also, were you on voice chat at the time?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kind of obligatory given how random this will be. One thing I will note: both the male and female my unit will be present and there won't be consistency for what house they're in charge of. To differentiate between the two, Byleth is the male while Bileth is the female. Pronounced the same, but one letter difference.


	3. Sylvain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sylvain is, well, Sylvain. It does not go well.

From: “Sylvain Gautier” sgautier@garregmach.edu  
To: ehresvelg@garregmach.edu, darnault@garregmach.edu, pmacneary@garregmach.edu bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu, bvarley@garregmach.edu, igalatea@garregmach.edu, flayn@garregmach.edu, adominic@garregmach.edu, mmartritz@garregmach.edu manuela.casagranda@garregmach.edu, hgoneril@garregmach.edu, catherine@churchofseiros.com, medmund@garregmach.edu, shamir.nevrand@garregmach.edu, lordelia@garregmach.edu  
Subject: Dinner date

Hey, gorgeous,

Might I interest you in dinner with your truly? You’re quite breathtaking and I really want to get to know you better.

Sylvain Gautier

From: “Bileth Eisner” bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
To: sgautier@garregmach.edu  
Cc: bvarley@garregmach.edu, igalatea@garregmach.edu, flayn@garregmach.edu, adominic@garregmach.edu, mmartritz@garregmach.edu manuela.casagranda@garregmach.edu, hgoneril@garregmach.edu, catherine@churchofseiros.com, medmund@garregmach.edu, shamir.nevrand@garregmach.edu, lordelia@garregmach.edu  
Subject; RE: Dinner Date

Sylvain,

Please remember these four important rules when you choose to ask a girl on a date:  
Do NOT do so via email  
If you choose to ignore rule 1, do NOT use a single email to ask out every girl  
If you choose to ignore rule 2 (And I strongly suggest you do not), do NOT include me, Professor Manuela, or any other non-student members of the Academy or the Church.  
If you choose to ignore rule 3 (And I can’t stress enough how strongly I suggest you do not), then for the love of the Goddess herself, DO NOT INCLUDE FLAYN IN THAT EMAIL!

I have to at least commend you for having enough sense not to include Lady Rhea in said email. You are hereby ordered to apologize to everyone you included in that email. If I catch you doing this stunt again, I will have to think of a proper punishment that you will not forget.

Professor Bileth Eisner

From: “Sylvain Gautier” sgautier@garregmach.edu  
To: ehresvelg@garregmach.edu, darnault@garregmach.edu, pmacneary@garregmach.edu bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu, bvarley@garregmach.edu, igalatea@garregmach.edu flayn@garregmach.edu, adominic@garregmach.edu, mmartritz@garregmach.edu manuela.casagranda@garregmach.edu, hgoneril@garregmach.edu, catherine@churchofseiros.com, medmund@garregmach.edu, shamir.nevrand@garregmach.edu, lordelia@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Dinner date

Hey, ladies,

I’m sorry about my last email. It was inappropriate of me and it will not happen again.

But, my offer for a dinner date still stands if anyone wants to join me.

Sylvain

From: “Jeralt Eisner” jeralt.eisner@churchofseiros.com  
To: bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
Subject: Sylvain’s Punishment

Kid,

Look, I know you didn’t learn much in the way of discipline growing up because you were always so well-behaved, but I thought I taught you enough about what’s appropriate. I’ve had Seteth fuming in my office for the past three hours about that stunt you pulled. Seriously? Blindfolding and tying the poor kid to a chair as you and several female students pretended to have a...well, it was something a father never wants to hear his daughter even pretended to do. I guess you didn’t realize that Flayn overheard what you were doing, as did another female student who asked to remain anonymous. The first thing they did was report to Seteth, who immediately came to me about it.

I know you’re an adult and you’ve got your own life, but please make better decisions. I managed to keep Seteth from going to Lady Rhea about it, but I’m sure word will reach her eventually.

Dad

From: “Leonie Pinelli” lpinelli@garregmach.edu  
To: sgautier@garregmach.edu  
Subject: Hey

Sylvain,

I heard from the other girls in the Golden Deer house about how you tried asking them all out via the same email and I have one thing to say to that:

Care to explain why I wasn't included? I would’ve shot you down in an instant, but did you forget I’m a girl too?

Leonie


	4. Almyran Prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am an Almyran prince and you are my only living relative

From: “Claude von Riegan” criegan@garregmach.edu  
To: byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
Subject: You are my only living relative

Dear sir,

I am an Almyran prince who is woefully ill and you are my only living relative. If I do not transfer my vast fortune of 150 million gold, it will be dispersed among the nobility who will only use it for their personal gain. As you are my only living relative, I wish to bequeath it to you. However, the cost of transfer is to the sum of 10000 gold and, as it stands, I cannot access the fortune directly. I can only move it elsewhere. As I know you are a kind soul, I wish to ask for a loan of 10000 gold so that I may transfer my fortune to you. I shall give you my information when you agree.

Thank you

From: “Byleth Eisner” byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
To: criegan@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: You are my only living relative

Claude. If you are going to try to scam people out of their money via email (Which I STRONGLY suggest you don’t because it will end very badly for you), don’t use your school email for it. Especially when you try to scam people who are at the Monastery as we all know your email address.

Also, why would the person who is trying to send the gold be unable to access it except to transfer it? That makes absolutely no sense.

Professor Byleth

From: “Fear the Deer” fearthedeer420@almail.com  
To: byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
Subject: You have 150 million gold in a trust

Dear sir,

I am writing you to inform you of the passing of your relative, the Almyran prince. You are to be the sole beneficiary of his fortune of 150 million gold, which has been placed in a trust. In order to transfer ownership of the trust to you, I require the sum of 10000 gold. As I do not have access to the fortune, I cannot pay for this myself. I therefore must ask you to pay the transfer fee. If you will do so, it will be reimbursed through the trust. I will provide you information upon your agreement.

Thank you

From: “Byleth Eisner” byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
To: fearthedeer420@almail.com  
Subject: RE: You have 150 million gold in a trust

Claude. You told me your email address before the server was up. Stop trying to scam people out of their money.

Professor Byleth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I think Claude would do this? Probably not. Is it funny for me to imagine it? Yes.
> 
> I literally had to look up the Nigerian Prince scam as a base for this


	5. LORENZ HELLMAN GLOUCESTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LORENZ HELLMAN GLOUCESTER asks Professor Byleth why he failed an exam.

From: “Lorenz Gloucester” lgloucester@garregmach.edu  
To: byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
Subject: My Certification Exam

My dearest Professor,

I am sending you this correspondence in regards to my most recent exam. For what possible reasons could you have deemed it a failure? I have been most dutiful in my studies and I cannot understand how I could have possibly done so poor as to fail.

As the fate of the Leicester Alliance rests upon my shoulders, I must maintain my high grades and a failed exam shows poorly upon my esteemed breeding. I implore you to reconsider your decision to give me a failing grade, lest the Alliance collapse without my leadership.

Your most studious and dutiful student,  
LORENZ HELLMAN GLOUCESTER

From: “Byleth Eisner” byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
To: lgloucester@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE:My Exam

Lorenz,

If you actually paid attention to my comments, you’d know exactly why you failed. Since I am a nice professor, I’ll list a few reasons:

-For the question of “How would you lure enemy troops out of hiding?” you said you would have Claude act as a decoy so “the more useful people for the Alliance can attack them.”  
-When asked what you would do if your horse was agitated, saying you would “grace its sight with your glorious visage” is not a valid answer.  
-Your answer for “What would you do if you disagree with orders from your commander or tactician?” was “I would disregard it if it imperiled my position in the Alliance.” That is not acceptable.

I want you to succeed, but you need to actually study before taking these exams. I will let you retake it on the condition that whatever grade, better or worse, will be the one you’ll keep. Do not give me answers that are self-absorbed or would imperil specific students.

Professor Byleth

From: “Lorenz Gloucester” lgloucester@garregmachedu  
To: byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: My Exam

My dearest Professor,

You have my thanks for allowing me to retake this exam. I shall put all of your comments to use, though I must say that, as the fate of the Alliance rests upon my shoulders, I do not see why my answers were incorrect. Nevertheless, I submit to your guidance.

One more thing Professor, I recently received some correspondence from Claude entitled “Dear Lorenz” and when I viewed that message, all it contained was a picture of a posterior. Will you please speak with Claude that such childish pranks are beneath his station as a member of House Riegan?

LORENZ HELLMAN GLOUCESTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I refuse to say his full name in anything but caps.


	6. Campaign of the Blue Lion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An excerpt from an ongoing RPG between some Blue Lion students

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I know nothing about Dungeons and Dragons, but I thought it would be funny for some of students to play it via email.

From: “Ashe Ubert” aubert@garregmach.edu  
To: dblaiddyd@garregmach.edu, dmolinaro@garreggmach.edu, ffraldarius@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Blue Lion Campaign

As the group is walking through the forest, they come across a centaur that looks injured. As you draw closer to investigate, it suddenly stands up and draws an axe that had been hidden on the other side of it as two more appear behind it carrying lances. As you draw your weapons, two more appear from the trees behind you with a sword and bow respectively. The axe centaur says “If you value your lives, you’ll hand over your valuables. If you don’t, well, we’ll just take care of that for you.”

Your escape route is cut off and the group has not rested since escaping the temple. You can tell by looking at them that they are incredibly strong. As leader of the group, Dimitrius the Azure Lion has to make a call.

From: “Dimitri Blaiddyd” dblaiddyd@garregmach.edu  
To: aubert@garregmach.edu, dmolinaro@garregmach.edu, ffraldarius@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Blue Lion Campaign

Kill every last one of them! I attack the one who spoke. I rolled a 15. Not bad.

From: “Felix Fraldarius” ffraldarius@garregmach.edu  
To: aubert@garregmach.edu, dblaiddyd@garregmach.edu, ffraldarius@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Blue Lion Campaign

This is why I was against having the Boar in charge of our group. I could have attempted to be charismatic, but of course not. Fine. I attack the pair behind us, the bow one with my sword rolling a 16, and the sword with lightning bolt, rolling an 11.

From: “Dedue Molinaro” dmolinaro@garregmach.edu  
To: aubert@garregmach.edu, dblaiddyd@garregmach.edu, ffraldarius@garregmach.edu  
I assist Dimitrius by attacking the two centaurs holding lances with my axe. I rolled a 12.

From: “Ashe Ubert” aubert@garregmach.edu  
To: dblaiddyd@garregmach.edu, dmolinaro@garregmach.edu, ffraldarius@garregmach.edu  
RE: Blue Lion Campaign

Dimitrius mortally wounds the centaur leader, who is left bleeding out on the ground. Fraldarius the Great does the same to the bow wielding one but the sword one is only injured. Dusguard is able to wound both of the remaining two. Their leader killed, the injured centaurs decide to cut their losses and flee. Dimitrius gains +10 experience, Fraldarius the Great gains +13, and Dusguard gains +6.


	7. New Uniforms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some changes of attire for the Battle of the Eagle and Lion

From: “Archbishop Rhea” archbishop@churchofseiros.com  
To: bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu, manuela.casagranda@garregmach.edu, hanneman.essar@garregmach.edu  
Cc: seteth@churchofseiros.com  
Subject: New uniforms

Professors,

For the upcoming Battle of the Eagle and Lion, I have decided to do something a little different this year. On certain days in the coming week, I want each of you to bring your classes to get measured for special uniforms to be worn during that battle. These were designed by our very own Flayn and are going to be provided at absolutely no cost to the students. You will also be required to wear these new uniforms as a show of solidarity, even though I have been informed that Professor Bileth is the only one participating.

Professor Bileth’s class will be measured on Tuesday, Professor Manuela’s on Wednesday, and Professor Hanneman’s on Thursday.

I am sure you will enjoy the unity these uniforms will provide.

Archbishop Rhea

May the Goddess bless you.

From: “Edelgard von Hresvelg” ehresvelg@garregmach.edu  
To: bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
Subject: New uniforms

Professor Bileth,

Must we wear such ridiculous uniforms during the days leading up to the Battle of the Eagle and Lion? I understand we are to wear them during the battle itself, but I fail to see the logic behind wearing them this much.

Edelgard von Hresvelg

From: “Bileth Eisner” bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: New Uniforms

Unfortunately, as these were at the suggestion of Flayn, who has joined our class following last month’s incident, Seteth asked me to appease her by having us all wear them for the next few days. Please, just bear it and after the Battle is over, we won’t wear them again.

Professor Bileth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, DLC wave 2 dropped this week. While I don't intend on using the new uniforms, people have latched onto them because they look like basketball jerseys.
> 
> Best part of the DLC is the fact that my character can wear glasses like I do though.
> 
> This is Black Eagle Bileth because that is what my current playthrough of Three Houses is.


	8. The Uno Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YOU HAVE UNO! (Disclaimer: Does not actually involve Uno)

From: “Seteth” seteth@churchofseiros.com  
To: students@garregmach.edu, faculty@garregmach.edu  
Subject: Per a recent argument

Greetings everyone,

By now I am sure you are all aware of a heated argument between two students over a virtual card game. As a result of this argument, I must impose a new rule going forward. All virtual copies of the card game Uno are hereby banned on Monastery grounds. If students wish to play this game, they must possess a physical version. Additionally, to prevent the flipping of tables, all games must consist of at least 3 players. Faculty will monitor such activities going forward and anyone caught going against this policy shall be punished.

Additionally, Garreg Mach Monastery and the Church of Seiros are not to blame for student property that has been damaged by other students. Such matters will need to be taken up with the families of the responsible parties.

Seteth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit that this is because I find the fake support conversation between Marianne and Hilda hilarious. I imagine this is how Seteth would react.
> 
> Small note: I was originally going to post these in batches, which is why four got posted at once, but I think going forward I will post these as they get done.


	9. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emails regarding a recent unintended break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *blows off dust* Been a while hasn't it? No, this isn't dead. I just have been busy/focused on other works. Hopefully this won't happen again, but no guarantees. I actually had the beginning portion of this part written months ago at this point.

From: “Seteth” seteth@churchofseiros.com  
To: students@garregmach.edu, faculty@garregmach.edu  
Subject: Break

Greetings, everyone.

I wanted to inform you that we will be taking a break from classes at this point and everyone will be able to go home. I require time to find more things to ask of our faculty and students. I will email you when it is time to return to the Monastery.

Seteth

Sent from Claude’s iPhone

From: “Seteth” seteth@churchofseiros.com  
To: everyone@garregmach.edu, everyone@churchofseiros.com  
Subject: Return to the Monastery

Greetings, everyone,

I do hope you have enjoyed your unauthorized vacation. Now, I realize you might not have realized it, but someone was able to hijack my email address for nefarious purposes. This individual then proceeded to change the password to something unintelligible. The technician I enlisted to help rectify this issue informs me that the password was in a foreign language. It was only recently that I was able to access my email once more.

I must ask everyone to return to the monastery at once. While there will be no repercussions for this incident, please do your best to not fall for this in the future.

Seteth

From: “Byleth Eisner” bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
To: manuela.casagranda@garregmach.edu, hanneman.essar@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Vacation

Hey, I guess Seteth caught on finally. Guess we’ve got to return to Garreg Mach now. Hope your vacations were as good as mine. I quite enjoyed relaxing at the Rhodos Coast.

Byleth Eisner

P.S: We’re still in agreement to not let Seteth know Claude is the one who hacked his email, right?

From: “Hanneman Essar” hanneman.essar@garregmach.edu  
To: byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu, manuela.casagranda@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Vacation

So it would seem. I was quite enjoying my research here in Deirdriu. But I suppose we should continue teaching these young minds. I will see you both back at Garreg Mach

Sincerely,

Hanneman

P.S Unless Manuela has changed her mind, we’re still in agreement.

From: “Manuela Gasagranda” manuela.casagranda@garregmach.edu  
To: byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu, hanneman.essar@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Vacation

I’v spenr thew emirw tumw emoyibf wime. Seteah cam diooppppijpaiopppppppp

Manuela

From: “Manuela Gasagranda” manuela.casagranda@garregmach.edu  
To: byleth.eisner@garregmach.edu, hanneman.essar@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Vacation

Please disregard any emails I sent. Yes, I enjoyed my vacation. No, we won’t tell Seteth about Claude. I’m going to get some wellness herbs now.

Manuela

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As someone who has never been drunk, I struggled to write Manuela's first email. The first sentence can be deciphered as "I've spent the entire time enjoying wine." I'm not even going to try the second.


	10. Wrong File

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you attach the wrong file to an email.

From: “Marianne von Edmund” medmund@garregmach.edu  
To: bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
Subject: Homework

Professor Bileth,

I’ve completed the homework you sent me while I was sick. Thank you for taking the time to give it to me.

Marianne von Edmund

Attached: R2D2/Daisy Duke.png

From: “Bileth Eisner” bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
To: medmund@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Homework

Marianne, I’m going to assume you attached the wrong file to your email and not say anything else.

Bileth Eisner

From: “Marianne von Edmund” medmund@garregmach.edu  
To: bileth.eisner@garregmach.edu  
Subject: RE: Homework

Professor Bileth,

I’m so sorry! I attached the correct file! I’m going to go pray to the goddess now.

Attached: Marianne Homework.docx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I have not accidentally sent the wrong file via email, I am always worried about doing so. I have, however, sent emails that should have attachments without them.
> 
> Whatever you do, do NOT think too much about the attachment Marianne accidentally sent. It is a picture of them having a Perfect Teatime. And. Nothing. Else.
> 
> (I used what is called the "Brain-Hurting Pairer Generator" for a reason. I thought it would be funny if Marianne was into some unexpected things.)


End file.
